So, Who’s Gonna Play Me In The Porn Parody Of My Life Story?

A sign that a movie or TV show is worth the watch is if they have a porn parody. Same goes for current events, careers, and someone’s life story. Honestly, it’s far more worth it to watch the porn parody than to keep up with what it’s based on. Two birds, one stone. My time is precious. I’ve always wondered who would play me in the porn parody version of my life story, so here’s a rundown of the candidates.

Kimmy Granger

Obvious choice. When I saw the movie when she sleeps with the dad of the kid she’s babysitting, I thought she did a great job reeling us in with her spot on comedic timing. She was playing with the kid’s dinosaur toys and having them arguing over who will be giving the rim job to the other. Great setup and alludes what’s to come in the story (i.e. fucking the dad). I mean, the nip slips that she kept having in the wildly inappropriate tanktop to wear around a kid also alluded to what was to come (and who was to cum) as well. I was a horrible babysitter: I smoked weed with teenagers I was housesitting for while their parents were away and let them host parties. And when they were younger, I taught them how to play beer pong (using soda instead of beer, of course). I also took one of them to a head shop. I also am known to dress wildly inappropriately, but that’s more of because I have a t-shirt that says “Clit Commander.” Anyways, Kimmy is an obvious favorite.

Mia Khalifa

First off, we aren’t the same race. Second off, she went on this rant on Twitter about not wanting to sit in the same section as VEGANS in a restaurant. So you’re willing to give a joint blowjob with your stepmom while wearing a hijab, but you can’t stomach sitting near someone who orders a salad without cheese and with a balsamic vinaigrette instead of a creamy (hate that word) dressing? Shit makes no sense. Third off, she was wearing a pink Longchamp in the movie where she gives a joint blowjob with her stepmom while giving a hijab. Pink Longchamps are like, the leopard print version of Uggs that I saw my college roomie wear once. And with that being said, I feel like said college roomie has been in a porn by now. So, hard pass.

Abella Danger

I like Abella. I like her a lot. LOVE the raspy voice thing she has going on and LOVE that she’s not jacked up with plastic surgery. She’s sassy, she’s fun, she’s flirty. Unfortunately, I’m none of those things, so that’s a bad sign. Also, in the movie where she finds out that she has six months to live and her dying wish is to fuck her stepdad, she was horrific at fake crying. As someone who takes at least one depression nap a day and cries about things that are much less severe than having six months left to live, that’s a huge problem for me. Love you, Abella, but you don’t have the acting range.

Lisa Ann

I would be honored to have the same porn star that played Tina Fey in the “30 Rock” porn parody to play me in my porn parody. However, I was dreaming up a “Gilmore Girls” porn parody and Lisa Ann would be the front runner for Lorelai. Mad respect to her for being in the porn game for so long, but I want to be worthy of a porn parody before the age of 30 (lofty goal, I know), and Lisa Ann tends to play women in their mid-thirties and takes on roles like stepmom fucking her stepdaughter’s study buddy. While I am technically old enough to be a stepmom to a much older man’s kids, I think dating much older guys tends to be for girls who think they’re much more mature than they actually are and are pretty much debasing themselves.

Lana Rhoades

Perfect set up from Lisa Ann because I always thought that Lana Rhoades would make a perfect Rory Gilmore for the “Gilmore Girls” parody that would be infinitely more interesting than the show itself. Lana has actually played my life story a couple of times. She made a porn about how she got a letter that she got kicked out of college. Samesies! But, I didn’t suck my stepbrother’s dick to make sure he didn’t tell my parents. Lana also caught partying too hard. Again, samesies! But way more than her and I grew out of it. I’m sure she did, too, but we didn’t see a follow up to whatever happened with her. Also, I didn’t suck my stepbrother’s dick to make sure he didn’t tell my parents. Overall, she could be a potential candidate (except for the borderline incest), but Lana actually quit the porn game. So that’s a no.

The chick from “Cake Farts”

Never fucked a cake, but can totally relate to the other half because lactose intolerance.

Ella Silver

Ella’s more of a cam chick whose only porn is doing it herself. I’m destined for crippling loneliness, so this describes my sex life perfectly. However, she has done ASMR porn. Not into that trend. I’m not here for all the dialogue, I’m here for the action. Otherwise, it would be like reading Playboy for the articles. So it’s a maybe from me. I can get over all this chicks sleeping with their stepsiblings and even a cake, but it’ll be tough to get over the ASMR thing.

Millie Moore