I Am Riveted By This #SponCon Drama

A lot of people who don’t live in NYC: OMG you live in New York? AND you’re a writer who gets to go to events? That’s so much like Carrie Bradshaw and so glamourous.

Me: I steal toilet paper and live off of banana protein shakes to survive. And my favorite pastime is tracking the #prisonwifelife tag on my Instagram for work and looking at porn star #sponcon drama at 2:49 in the morning.

Let’s dive in.

Relationship drama about returning things! We’ve all been there. But when it happened to me I didn’t get any LOLZ from someone like Jay. Nicole is a lucky girl.

Relationship drama about returning things! We’ve all been there. But when it happened to me I didn’t get any LOLZ from someone like Jay. Nicole is a lucky girl.

But wait, there’s more.

Awkward for Sammy. I dunno, I’d feel inclined to apologize. Even if there wasn’t abuse, the chick had a breakup. Quit being a thundercunt, Sammy!

Awkward for Sammy. I dunno, I’d feel inclined to apologize. Even if there wasn’t abuse, the chick had a breakup. Quit being a thundercunt, Sammy!

Screen Shot 2019-06-18 at 2.32.28 AM.png

And there we go! First off, never knew that TaskRabbit did #sponcon. Legit thought they were above it. And to hire a porn star is just insane. I honestly thought the porn star version of TAskRabbit Was going on Craigslist and answering posts to give “massages” to guys on that site at best. And that’s if they’re amateur porn stars who never quite made it to the big leagues like my girls Lana Rhoades and Kimmg Granger. I fully doubt they’d be into doing TaskRabbit chores waiting on line for tickets and helping move boxes when they could easily post a pic on Instagram hawking penis enlargement pills or acting as a dinner date for a sheik at a gala in Dubai for 137839 times the price. I actually signed up for TaskRabbit to make extra money (never went through with it) and it seemed so fuckin’ wholesome, so it’s mindboggling to me that they would hire a porn star to promote it. No shame in being a porn star, but TaskRabbit sponsoring them? So off brand. It’s more of for working moms and shit. Ask Patricia Heaton to be a spokeswoman! She appeals to the moms who throw bitchfits at SoulCycle for not sitting front row center for a class or put ice cubes in their glasses of Kendall Jackson.

But the shamelessness of #sponcon is what really grinds my gears/gives me something to activate the amyglada of my brain (for you idiots out there, that’s the part of the brain that controls anger) (not that I just Googled it or anything). I don’t need to see yet another picture of you posing in front of the pink wall in L.A. I remember when I went to L.A., they offered tours for out-of-towners to visit Instagrammable places. WHHYYYYYYYYY.

But to kill the moment when this woman is dealing with a dilemma about her abusive ex by promoting TaskRabbit? That’s kind of the lowest of the low. I always thought influencers were the most shameless of everyone. They promote Sugarbear, which is horrific for you and I would 1000% eat them if I bothered to buy them and there is nothing else to eat in my apartment (which is often), so I’m not dumb enough to buy them and just live off of the weed gummies I snuck back from California. I would say these influencers are so full of shit, but the the FitTea they promote runs riiiiiight through them and you know that they’re making the toilet their bitch later on. Finally! Some relatable influencers! But it’s my lactose intolerance that makes me so that, not FitTea. Some are even desperate enough to pretend to be sponsored by Revolve, start a podcast, or even worse, go on The Bachelor.

But promoting TaskRabbit to a victim of abuse on a public forum? That’s a shamelessness that I almost respect had a victim of abuse not been involved. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: influencers are the most opportunistic, pathetic people on the planet and I wait with bated breath for the day that social media inevitably becomes obsolete so that they find careers as bottle service chicks or have their third or fourth marriage be to a guy with tribal tattoos and get paid by the hour.

Millie Moore