"VEEP"'s Jonah Ryan Is The Ultimate Dating Guru

The only thing dryer than the sense of humor on VEEP is a girl’s nether regions whenever Jonah utters a word, and that’s saying a lot. Sure, everyone cringes so hard that Selina Meyer would need a touch up on her Botox (or that Dan Egan would need a touch up on his preventative Botox), yet he’s brought so much solace when it comes to my dating life that I don’t even need a Pez dispenser full of Xanax bars before I text a guy first. A portion of benzos in one of those fun-size candy boxes that people hand out to trick-or-treaters would be (almost) more than enough.

At first glance, Jonah Ryan is the easily as clueless about sex and dating as I am about social grace and boundaries. Actually, Jonah is the kind of guy who would bond with a kid he used to babysit for about Adderall nosebleeds and have his high school superlative be “Most Unaware Offensiveness, just like I did. In my defense, it’s not just me that is Jonah incarnate, we all are, in a sense.

Jonah Ryan’s primary language is “word vomit,” and he is perpetually trying to masquerade his incompetence with one liners that are so poetic, in that they could be engraved on a frat boy’s tombstone after he dies from some insane initiation ritual during pledge week. During my (brief) time on Tinder, I cannot tell you how many guys had a bio along the lines of “eating so much pussy I’ve been shitting clits, son.” Right away you can tell that they’re doing less of eating pussy and more of proverbially sucking Dan Bilzerian’s dick. It doesn’t help their case that their photos are obviously from so long ago that they only would pique Kevin Spacey’s interest. What worsens the situation is that they have a Saturdays Are For The Boys flag in the background of what they consider flattering photos (read: they’re not), which just makes me believe that Everyday Is For The Boys because no guy that owns that shit spends time with girls unless hanging out at a strip club. No shame in the strip club, BTW, because sex workers should NOT be shamed and I go to strip clubs all the time to bond with those girls about how much our fathers hate us.

And even if the guy is normal enough to match with on Tinder, the conversation goes from normal to “Whoa, wait, what?” faster than they last in bed. They have the charisma of a bar mitzvah party motivators when they hype themselves up and have clearly been lifting lines they hear from Steve Santagati books. To be honest, I kind of prefer them being overtly sexual because it’s kind of funny. Like, I can’t help but think, “Awwww, this guy would be the perfect virgin to sacrifice so I can be initiated into the Illuminati!” In the clip above, Jonah is more overtly sexual when preening to others about how much sex he has. That’s a deadass giveaway about how little sex the guy actually has, by the way.

But let’s observe Jonah flirting in the wild.

Obviously, still wildly inappropriate and even worse, it is far too overly familiar. Even when a guy is trying to be emotionally available and “not like the other guys,” he still falls flat on his face. I’ve personally never experienced anything like this, but one anecdote of a guy trying to make himself seem “not like other guys” sticks out to me in particular. One time he slid into my DMs and we had a nice talk about famous people we’ve met since we both live in New York, so it’s common. I mentioned that I met TJ Miller and he was the world’s biggest asshole (I’ll save that story for another time). Beyond that, the conversation went nowhere and honestly, he never piqued my interest to begin with.

A couple weeks later, TJ Miller got #MeToo’d. As an attempt to curry favor with me and come off as raunchy and edgy, this guy DMs me and says, “So you must be really happy about TJ Miller getting called out, right?” Um, no. I’m not happy that a girl got physically and sexually assaulted by a guy who was a dick to me. Why would I find joy in that? While I was offended by the joke about rape, I felt more of sorry for him because it was such a cringeworthy swing and a miss because I know he was ultimately trying to impress me.

Whenever a guy doesn’t text me back or is just fucking up at every turn, I’ve learned that it’s definitely not because he thinks he’s better than me or that he’s seeing other girls. First off, it’s impossible to find someone to date that you have chemistry with. I know, I know, dating apps make it easier, but 95% of the time, no one goes through with dating apps. And if the guy is spewing out awkward bullshit to you and you’re either turning a blind eye to it because it’s endearing that he’s nervous or choosing not to go through with it, there is a 99% chance that he does this shit to other girls, and not many girls will be open to that unless they’re interested (which is rare). The inverse happens with girls as well. Maybe nothing materializes because one party is anxious or embarrassed. Maybe nothing materializes because life fucking happens and It doesn’t revolve around dating. Maybe nothing materializes because millennials never date and we have to struggle with riding a merry go round of rudderless hookups and crippling loneliness until we’re in our mid thirties. It’s just the circle of life, and Mufasa preached that crap, so you know it’s real.

We’re all wonderful, horrible, and figuring it out when it comes to dating, and when it comes to life. So I find solace that we all have a little Jonah Ryan in us, and now I feel ashamed that that line would be the perfect innuendo for Jonah to brag about how much sex he’s having instead of learning something from this blog. At least he’s further proving my point, though!

UPDATE: When I wrote this, I did not realize that I was getting dating advice from a guy who marries his sister in the final season of VEEP. I still stand by the message and I am so fucking here for VEEP making Jonah have the most fucked up storyline during their farewell season

Millie Moore