Please Stop Googling My Sex Tape, Guys
With being a writer comes the good (e.g. freebies, parties, compliments) and the bad (e.g. people saying I look 12, the negative comments, correcting my grammar). But one thing I didn’t anticipate? People Googling me to see if I have leaked nudes or a sex tape.
I’m not tech savvy, but there’s analytics on this site that tell me things like the number of visitors, what pages do well, yada yada yada. One thing I can tell that is especially disturbing (besides the fact that some of you use Bing! to search me and use Android phones), is the Google Keywords page. And lo and behold, this is what i find that you people have been searching about me.
Newsflash: I don’t have a sex tape. If you even found a sex tape of me, I promise you it’s not gonna be interesting. Do you know why? Because my type of guy is someone I meet at Common Ground or The Jane and he invites me back to “The Ski Lodge,” which I initially assumed had to do with the decor but it’s actually an Upper East Side apartment where him and his 32 year old roommates do mountains of cocaine. Silver lining, though? At least they don’t live in a house called Meat Mansion or Goathouse like they did in college. I don’t even do cocaine but I will stick around because maybe, just maybe, this guy has redeeming qualities and is only snorting the baby version of Adderall because it’s just how finance guys socialize. But really, I just won’t talk the entire time because I can’t get a word in edgewise while these guys are coked out and frankly, I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m surrounded by guys who think every episode of Suits defines their lives (it doesn’t). At least the guy I’m with will be polite enough to offer me cocaine. And if he’s a romantic, maybe he’ll ask to do cocaine off my ass.
Later on (we’re talking 4 a.m.), the guy will take me to the bedroom to “wow me.” Since I started talking to him, he would highjack any and every conversation to talk about how big his dick is, how he sleeps with a lot of chicks, and how good he is in bed. But I’m like, Stevie Wonder when it comes to red flags. The amount of times a guy brags about all these things is directly proportional to how terrible he is in bed. Also, a guy who talks about how many girls he’s slept with (EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T ASK) likely hasn’t slept with that many women because it’s impossible to meet someone in the city, given crazy work schedules, how difficult it is to meet someone organically, and how 95% of plans you make on a dating app never materialize. Also, I’m admittedly very naive, but there probably aren’t many girls out there that would tolerate a guy who responds with “making it move” when I tell them I just got out of yoga or punctuates his over-the-line and wayyyy too sexual texts with “lol” as a half assed attempt to make it seem like he’s joking and not being creepy.
Anyways, we start hooking up and before I know it, we’re done. Do you guys really think that a sex tape of me getting fucked in missionary for almost the entirety of a song off his shitty Soundcloud playlist is that interesting? No. No, it is not.
So I’m pleading you to STOP Googling my sex tape. I know this will fall on deaf ears to many people, but to my knowledge, it doesn’t even exist. I probably will date someone who is douchey enough to leak our tape (if we ever made one) once I dump him. Even then, I promise you it won’t be that interesting.