TBT: Gucci Mane's Wife Fell In Love With Him In The Most Fucked Up Way

When I started working at Guest of a Guest, I wrote my own blogs on the side about things that weren’t “on brand” enough. I honestly think that smutty gossip about rappers is as fun to write about as ranking the Kardashian’s innocent children and shitting on Leonardo DiCaprio’s life choices. So why not show off some throwback once in a while?

In Page Six, there was an article, like, forever ago about how Gucci Mane’s fiancée at the time (they have since gotten married) fell in love with him when they showered together. They weren’t having shower sex. That’s not something I encourage, by the way, because it’s pretty awkward. I only encouraged it for Bella Thorne and Mod Sun because they obviously play fast and loose with hygiene. Too bad those anthoropomorphic health hazards broke up. Anyways, here’s 25 year old Millie’s hot take on Gucci Mane and his fiancée’s love story that is straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Gucci Mane’s romance with Keyshia stands to be the weirdest love story I have ever heard. The odds were already stacked against them because he’s a rapper who coined the term “pussy print.” So that compounded with a sexcapade that reeks of an Oedipal Complex means that this will hardly be a romance for the ages.

In some sense I do understand why Keyshia did this and I don’t think it’s a “take care of your man” kind of thing. Wanna take care of your man? Cook him dinner. Shake things up in the bedroom. Let him watch football in peace. I also sincerely doubt that this was like a sexy shower hook up or something. So why is she bathing him? For sanitation reasons! Who is filthier than a rapper that pioneered trap music?

Think about it: this guy has fucked at least 12 of the same chicks as Lil Wayne and Future. Groupies get passed around as much as a blunt does on a tour bus. Given the amount of baby mamas of rappers, they clearly don’t wrap their shit. And do you really think someone who had an ice cream tattoo on his face is an upstanding member of society? Sure, he lasered it off eventually, but you cannot unring that bell. An ankle tattoo of an ice cream cone says “I’m fun and flirty!” A tramp stamp of an ice cream says “I never knew my father.” A face tattoo of an ice cream cone says “My safe word is ‘keep going.’”

Wasn’t he in jail at one point? Some insane sex shit happens there. Do you really think people go to prison for the food? No. It’s for the kinky shit (and also they’re criminals but it’s whatevs!). I’ve never been to prison, but I probably will some day and I know I’m in for a wild ride sexually. All the more reason to commit felonies to my heart’s content!  Since he clearly doesn’t know how to bathe himself, he has probably “dropped the soap” countless times. Even if he claims he didn’t try weird sex stuff in jail, he’s lying because that is EXACTLY something a guy who tried weird sex stuff in jail would say.

He had an album called “Trap House.”, so obviously he was a fixture at those kinds of places. In college, I lived in an apartment nicknamed “Cunt Castle” and a lot of my roomies were super skanks who were constantly riding the D. (Sidenote: I feel like I need to clarify my usage of the word “slut.” I’m totally against the word “slut” being used so liberally. But if you’re ruining marriages left and right, cheating on your significant others, or sleeping with three guys in one night, you’ve earned that title. But this is for an entirely different blog.) It was sketchy sharing a toilet seat with them because I didn’t wanna risk crabs. Most of these girls were insane, and I’m assuming it was because they were afflicted with syphilis as well. I can’t even conceive the amount of crazy chicks with STDs circulating in a place with an infinitely sketchier name than Cunt Castle. Do I need to mention again that HE COINED THE TERM “PUSSY PRINT?” What more proof do you need that this guy’s nether regions need to be bleached? I don’t mean intimate bleaching like what porn stars do, I mean he needs to Clorox the fuck out of his downstairs business in order to get rid of the scum and STDs.

I would absolutely see to it that my boyfriend was clean after that kind of illicit activity. In fact, I would jack his beer with Penicillin and Valtrex just to be sure. I would switch out his lube with Purell. I would change every number in his female contacts on his phone to my number so whatever texts he attempts to send out to girls would be sent to me instead. If I caught him hanging around these nasty skanks, I would spike his beer with cyanide instead of antibiotics (JK but not really).

But bathing him like he’s a child and I’m his parent? That’s a little too Mary Kay Letorneau for me. I would rather go to crazy bitch lengths to make sure I’m not dating an anthropomorphic petri dish than indulge him with some Oedipic kind of shit.

Millie Moore