How "The Contest" From "Seinfeld" Would've Played Out In 2019

Like everyone else on this planet, I think a lot about other people’s masturbation habits- especially the characters on Seinfeld. I’m sure you care about fictional characters’ rubbing one out as much as I do, so let’s dive in.

First place: George

I really do think George would place first without cheating, but it could go two different ways. What are the two defining characteristics of George Costanza? He’s perpetually neurotic and self-loathing. Those kinds of stressors lead to baldness (clearly) and clinical depression. Sure, therapy would’ve precluded the baldness and neuroses if he maximized his time and learned how to modify his behavior, and therapy probably would’ve precluded me from living my life like it was a Mickey Avalon song before I took a leave of absence from college and got my shit together (sort of). Unfortunately for George, that’s not the case. But for what it’s worth, George and I have really bad luck and lack of awareness when it comes to adhering to social norms, and that’s not something therapy can help with too much. I’m right there with you, George, and I assure you that you’re in terrible company. The only time he went to a therapist, he spent the entire time obsessing over the zipper on his coat. I mean, one time when I saw my old shrink, he made me sit there for an entire session explaining why I think Paul Rudd should play him in a movie about his life story. So, that shit happens. Even Jerry thinks one shrink couldn’t save George, which speaks volumes:

Back to the two options. The first way George would win the contest is if he were to be taking Propecia. Thanks to social media interfaces like Instagram and Tinder, people are more shallow than ever. Elaine threw out out his toupee, so hair growth pills are his next best best. Failure to get hard is a side effect of Propecia. Given George’s bad luck, of course he wouldn’t be able to get a hard on.

The other route is antidepressants. Like I said, talk therapy wouldn’t work for George. He’d probably go because literally every other New Yorker goes to therapy. You have to make the most of your time in therapy, and there’s no doubt in my mind he’d still sit there obsessing over a parking spot or shrinkage. To his credit, I’m 1000% positive guys spend a lot of time in therapy talking about dick. But to their credit, I do too. Those kinds of pills Casey Anthony the shit out of your sex drive. Trust me, I’ve been there and it sucks. So, thanks to modern medicine, of course George Costanza would be a winner for once in his life.

Second place: Kramer

I don’t think Kramer would’ve changed a bit if this were 2019. I honestly believe he would’ve made the same time he made back when the contest was in the 90’s. I just think that Elaine and Jerry would lose way faster than they did initially. Kramer’s a guy, so obviously he’s still a sexual deviant. Next!

Third place: Jerry

Jerry would probably clean up on dating apps. First off, 80% of guys don’t have bios and all their pictures are from frat parties from college even though they’re pushing 27. Automatic swipe left unless you’re looking for a man-child to underwhelm you (hand up: I am that person). And 99% of guys who actually write a bio have shitty ones, and they still aren’t good with the pictures. Jerry, however, is vain enough to curate a good album of pictures. And he’s a comedian, so of course he’s good enough of a writer to create a catchy and original bio. Girls would swipe right on that alone (unless he’s bald, short, and chubby...i.e. George). He’d also be good at conversation because it’s his job to treat people like an audience. I feel like he’s so attuned to charming people that he wouldn’t be dumb enough to ask for nudes before the first date or respond “making it move” with a wagging tongue emoji even though the girl didn’t say anything with sexual undertones. He actually seems like he has enough follow through to go through with a date. He’d also have follow through because it’s not like he’s working a job (e.g. finance or any other job in NYC) that takes over your entire life and makes it impossible to date. I wouldn’t even call it follow through because he’s genuinely interested in her, I’d call it follow through because the only thing he cares about almost as much as he cares about himself is sex. And like, barely anyone else in this city has time for that because they have lives beyond stand up shows. However, that kind of follow through would impress a girl so much that she would truly believe that he’s just that into her when really, he just has good game and a lot of time on his hands. So obviously she’d be into sleeping with him the first night. He’d probably ghost her even more easily after that because it’s not like they met by hanging out at the same places, so there’s no risk involved there. Okay, this whole article is straight up making me not want to date and now I totally understand why these people are averse to putting themselves out there by dating. No one can do you quite like you do, huh?

Fourth place: Elaine

Sex toys are on some Elon Musk level shit these days. The Hitachi Wand is like, a dinosaur compared to what’s hot in the sex toy industry right now. I mean, girls who think they know what they’re talking about are all about the Womanizer, but then Lelo came in with the Sona  and then the Sona Cruise, and both of those are lightyears better. . And then Lelo topped themselves by bringing in the Ora, then subsequently the Ora 2. Fuck, I spend way too much time at the Pleasure Chest. Trust me, as a big proponent of ~*~self love ~*~, I know what I’m talking about. I can’t believe I didn’t get a smartphone until i was 24 but know more about this kind of shit. This is all pretty depressing on my end, but what’s even sadder (is it though?) is that men truly are being replaced by machines. For sex with a guy, you have to get in the mood, and holy fuck are millennial guys are absolutely terrible at getting you in the mood. Millenials are having less sex than ever for a reason, and it’s not just because our jobs in New York literally take over our lives to the point where everyone’s single and we barely even date in the first place. So, given how high grade sex toys are for girls these days, you can just reach into your bedside cabinet if you’re not even turned on, but still bored. 30 seconds later and BOOM, you’ve gotten off way better and totally one-upped whatever any guy thinks he could do.

Plus Elaine is a writer, so it’s likely she works remotely like 80% of writers. So obviously she’s going to be at home all day. She’ll inevitably feel bored, lonely, and depressed because that’s what working from home is like. It’s seriously miserable and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. So by muscle memory, she’ll just reach for a toy (that’s probably in her bed next to an empty pizza box) and just like that, she’s out of the contest. How do I know this scenario disturbingly well? Because I’m a female writer that works from home. That’s enough oversharing for me today.

Also, big P.S.: Is she referring to using The English Patient as spankbank material or as inspiration for future sex moves? This shit keeps me up at night.

Millie Moore